Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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