I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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