John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
