My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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