Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
