I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
