so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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