I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
sex in a hospital.. check
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
