tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Damn victory sex feels great
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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