i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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