I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
