I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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