this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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