We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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