I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
