I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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