I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
