My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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