i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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