i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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