I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can't turn off my feet"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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