I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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