hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Every concussion has its silver lining
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
