i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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