when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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