Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
