i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
