Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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