I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
FUCK WHALES
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
