I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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