You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
