Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
