i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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