We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
