You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
