Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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