Please don't use social media to get back at me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
