Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
