you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
