Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
