Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
