Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
