Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Where is the hickey?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
