Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
