go do what you do best...puke behind churches
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
