What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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