I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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