Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
