even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize