in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
