I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
