I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
