she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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