I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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