She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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