We won't sleep together?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
