I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
