I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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