the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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