weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
