He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize