ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
