The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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