Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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