is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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