omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
