i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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