im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
