the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
