kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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