you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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